Emma's REbirthday!!

One year ago today a miracle happened.  My sweet baby girl had her heart stopped and repaired by a brilliant surgeon - Dr Parnell at Schneider's Children's Hospital. That amazing surgeon also restarted her heart.  So today we celebrate Emma's REbirth.  Today was a normal day that ended with a cake in her honor.  Normal was just how I wanted it to be.  December 15th last year was anything but normal and from now on December 15th will be nothing but normal.  Happy REbirthday my sweet!!! Mommy loves you! xo

40

WOW!!! Friday will be the end of my 30's.  Seems so surreal to think I will be 40.  My gosh 40 always seemed soooooo very old.  All my friends have turned 40 and none of them are old.  I still feel 18 with a few wrinkles and dings here and there but 40 wow.  I know it is just a number and I am always told I do not look my age but it is still a bit tough to wrap my mind around.  4o used to signify middle age - which i guess it still kind of does but people are living much longer these days so...

So let's see my 30's were pretty great.  I bought my house, brought home my Casey boy, ended a really bad(understatement) relationship, met my husband, got married, and became a mommy(which is by far the greatest thing I have ever done).  It is amazing how much can change in 10 years.  In all reality it is not a very long time.  When I look back at my life I try to have no regrets.  All things that have happened and all people that have been in my life, however long or short, have taught me something.  The sum of all my experiences have made me who I am and have brought me to today.  

With all that being said 40 is not so scary.  They say life gets better with age.  So I embrace my 40's and if they are half as good as my 30's it will be a really great decade.  

hmmmm...

so that is kind of my mind these past few days.  kind of just hmmmm..... not so sure.  Been thinking a lot about last year this time.  All the uncertainty and unease with what the near future held.  This day last year Emma was having all her pre-surgical testing - boy what a day that was.  I am so very thankful that she will have no memory of all that her little body has been thru. The only way she will know is by the stories she will be told. So any pain she felt she will not remember and for that I am so grateful.  The whole experience for me has been life changing.  I for some reason have had a hard time letting it go.  I think I am sometimes stuck in the mindset of being worried all the time.   I DO know that she is a perfectly healthy little girl.  I think on some level I may be missing the
"normal".or what I thought normal was. And when I write it or think it or say it I realize how stupid that is.  Normal is what you make it.  I mean really if you knew how every day was going to play out or the outcome of it all, what would be the point??? So the things in life that throw a wrench in your day or totally change how you thought they would go are sometimes the best things in life!!! I have decided I am going to try to live more in the moment and let the rest of it go. I look into sweet Emma's eyes and nothing else really matters.  She was born with a CHD, she had open heart surgery at 3 months old and almost 12 months later she is a picture of health.  It's been quiet a journey and it has only just begun.  This has been more of a rambling than anything else but...the one thing I am certain of is that i love my little girl and would not change a thing about her.  I was chosen to be her mom and I will be forever grateful. 

Cora Mae McCormick

Cora Mae McCormick is a sweet baby girl who lived for 5 days and died in her mother's arms. Today is her 1st birthday. I first read about Cora last December when I was looking for info on congential heart defects.  I was so profoundly touched by her story and have been following her mom and dad on their journey this past year.  Cora's story has helped to spread the word about congenital heart defects.  I was amazed when I found out that 1out of every 100 babies born has a heart defect.  Why had I not heard about this before Emma was born?  It is the number 1 cause of death amongst children ~ greater than all childhood cancer.  Again why had I never heard of a CHD???  What shocked me more than that information was that there is no test done on babies before they leave the hospital to check for a CHD.  How can that be?  How can the one thing that takes more childrens lives not be tested for??? Had Cora had a simple pulse ox test she may be here celebrating her 1st birthday.  Had a simple echo been required before she went home she may be taking her first steps today.  Congenital heart defects claim too many lives and Cora's heart may have been too broken for her to survive but she was not given the chance.  So today, in memory of sweet baby Cora , I ask you to please take a moment and click on the above link and check out Cora's Story.  Tell anyone you know who is pregnant to please request a pulse oximetry test before they take their sweet baby home.  Hug your kiddies a little bit tighter today.   I know I am going to hug my sweet heart warrior all I can! 

Thinking...

So I find myself thinking about how different things were this time last year.  I was a walking bundle of nerves.  Anticipating my baby girls open heart surgery.  Lack of sleep.  Hormonal mess.  Every day I was scared.  Of the unknown I suppose.  The loomingness (not really a word) of her surgery hung over my every thought and action.  It was ALWAYS there.  Every time she cried I felt instant panic~and although Emma was not a "blue tet" I was afraid to let her cry because of the stress it would put on her heart.  This time last year she was on beta blockers because her sat levels had started to drop.  The fear of the unknown was constant and would be there until after she had her surgery.  I know this sounds like a pretty obvious statement but...there are no words to describe how it feels to know in the near distant future,  you will hand your baby girl over to a group of doctors and nurses who will stop her heart. Knowing that your sweet little innocent baby girl will have her heart stopped and she will be hooked up to a bypass machine for a period of time changes you.  Well I know it changed me.  To put all of your faith into another human being is the hardest thing I have done thus far in my life.  Listening to a complete stranger tell you what he is going to do to fix your daughters heart defect and having to say OK go for it is mind numbing and life changing. 

Now with all that being said...I would not change a single moment.  I believe I am truly blessed to be Emma's mom.  She is the light of my life and makes me want to be the best person I can be.  The CHD community is one I am so very proud to be a part of.  I have met truly amazing people since this journey has begun.  And although I would not wish this journey on any one ~ I am happy I have been chosen to take it.  There are great things in store for me and Emma~I just don't know what they are yet

Who I am ~ Who am I?

So for a while I have been trying to answer the question of Who am I.  For the first 38 years of my life I had myself to be responsible for.  With the exception of my doggie Casey ~ it was just me.  I worked full time ~ most weeks as a bookkeeper, office manager, tax preparer etc.   Spent a lot of time in school ~ I am really good at being a student.  Kept trying to find my niche ~ that thing that would fulfill me ~ the job of all jobs.  Needless to say I am still looking.

On September 9, 2009 that all changed.  I became Emma's mommy.  I am now a semi-stay-at-home-mom~most weeks I work 4 hours at the office. I am no longer in school.  My days are filled with the constant drone of Nick Jr. in the background. And although I love and cherish every moment I get to spend with my sweet baby girl, I feel I have lost myself somewhere along the way.  Being out almost everyday to being home almost everyday has been quiet a change. 

So... I am trying to find balance ~ between being Emma's mommy and just being Melissa.  Because just being Melissa makes me better at being Emma's mommy.  So this is where I am in my journey ~ trying to figure out Who I am. Any suggestions on how to do this? 

Emma and her special heart

So since the name of my blog is My heart belongs to Emma ~ I thought I should tell you about Emma.  Emma is my 14 month old amazingly beautiful, free spirited, sweet, kind, loving, funny baby girl.  Her smile makes each day worth it.  She makes me want to be the best person I can be.  They always say there is no love like a love a mother has for her child~and I do not think anyone can fully understand that until they become a parent.  I would move heaven and earth for my girl.  I love her with every fiber of my being.  It is a love you cannot explain, there are no words to describe it. 

My sweet girl arrived a month early ~ September 9, 2009 (9-9-09). I think she just wanted a really cool birthday :)  She earned herself a trip to the NICU because she was having some blood sugar issues.  The wonderful nurses and docs took such great care of her.  The neonatologist on call said "I think she has a slight heart murmur, but nothing to worry about.  The cardiologist will be in later and he will take a look."  I had no idea at that moment that my life had been changed.  Several hours later sitting in my room alone I had the visit that would let me know my life was changed.  Dr. Sean Levchuk entered my room with papers and pictures of hearts and told me that our sweet little angel had tetralogy of fallot.  I honestly felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.  It is a feeling like no other.  Just gave birth, breastfeeding, baby in NICU, hormones raging, alone and now you are telling me what??? My 2 day old baby girl has a congenital heart defect and she is gonna have to have open heart surgery sometime before she is 6 months old???? are you kidding me???? This happens to other people not us. It is one of those things that is so hard to wrap your head around.  Feels like a dream.  The way the nurses look at you changes.  The doctors talk to you differently.  The other moms on the floor look at you with sad eyes.  It is surreal to say the least.  This is the day our family entered the world of congenital heart defects. I was amazed to find out that 1 in every 100 babies born has a CHD.  Why had I not heard of it before? This is just one of the many questions that came up and that I have spent the last 14 months trying to answer.  I think it will take me a lifetime to figure it all out.  I do truly believe Emma and her special heart are a gift.  I know their is a reason or a purpose for Emma having her special heart.  I have not found it yet but I hope to find it soon. 

look at that face!

Entering the blogosphere

So for a while now I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog.  The commentary in my head for the past few months has been ~ what will I blog about? who will care? will anyone read it? do I have anything to say? and I still do not know the answers to these questions but figured I would just jump in with both feet and see where it takes me :)

I am a semi stay-at-home mom.  Raising my one year old daughter Emma.  I am going to be 40 in a few weeks and am trying to wrap my head around that.  Keep wondering how that happened - didn't I just graduate high school? I keep hearing the classic line from "When Harry Met Sally" ~ I'm going to be 40! When?? Someday! Well that someday is looming! And I know age is just a number but the reality of 40 is weird.  40 was always old! and I don't feel old.  So I guess it is just a number. 

Got a late start on the wife, stepmom, mother thing.  I was 36 when I got married and became a stepmother.  I was 38 when my baby girl was born and I became a heart mom. My baby girl Emma was born with Tetralogy of Fallot and is now a heart warrior.   This part of my journey has opened up a whole new world to me and one that I am very proud to be a part of.  The world I am talking about is the world of CHD.  I have met some amazing people.  I have seen miracles first hand.  I have heard of great loss and suffering.  I have seen people go through the toughest times of their lives with such grace and compassion.  It has opened my eyes to the amazing spirit of humankind.  I am proud to be a heart mom.  I look forward to telling Emma her heart story. I look forward to our journey in this life.  Won't you join us?