Thinking...

So I find myself thinking about how different things were this time last year.  I was a walking bundle of nerves.  Anticipating my baby girls open heart surgery.  Lack of sleep.  Hormonal mess.  Every day I was scared.  Of the unknown I suppose.  The loomingness (not really a word) of her surgery hung over my every thought and action.  It was ALWAYS there.  Every time she cried I felt instant panic~and although Emma was not a "blue tet" I was afraid to let her cry because of the stress it would put on her heart.  This time last year she was on beta blockers because her sat levels had started to drop.  The fear of the unknown was constant and would be there until after she had her surgery.  I know this sounds like a pretty obvious statement but...there are no words to describe how it feels to know in the near distant future,  you will hand your baby girl over to a group of doctors and nurses who will stop her heart. Knowing that your sweet little innocent baby girl will have her heart stopped and she will be hooked up to a bypass machine for a period of time changes you.  Well I know it changed me.  To put all of your faith into another human being is the hardest thing I have done thus far in my life.  Listening to a complete stranger tell you what he is going to do to fix your daughters heart defect and having to say OK go for it is mind numbing and life changing. 

Now with all that being said...I would not change a single moment.  I believe I am truly blessed to be Emma's mom.  She is the light of my life and makes me want to be the best person I can be.  The CHD community is one I am so very proud to be a part of.  I have met truly amazing people since this journey has begun.  And although I would not wish this journey on any one ~ I am happy I have been chosen to take it.  There are great things in store for me and Emma~I just don't know what they are yet