learning!!

Learning is a never ending process.  Seems everyday I learn something new.  Somedays it's a OMG moment and other days it's something so simple that if I blink I may miss it. And then there are the lessons that we learn over and over and over.....The major one I am learning now (for the millionth time) is that I can only change ME!!!  No matter how much you wish or try or ask or beg or (insert any word here) you will never be able to make someone be who you wish them to be.  We are all individuals and we all act how we feel is appropriate. Now how you respond may be totally different than how I do but this does not make your reaction wrong ~ it is just different than mine.  And although it is perfectly fine for us all to be different ~ man would this world be boring if we all agreed on everything~ sometimes we need certain things from the people in our lives.  And sometimes the people in our lives are not capable of providing us with what we need.  And although we wish and try and ask and beg...it is just never going to be.  So the lesson I  am working on is to not waste my energy being angry with someone who is not doing what I want them to do.  I am capable of doing it myself.  Anger wasted on others is energy not used for me or Emma ~ which is wasted energy for sure. 

So I will continue to learn every day!!  Knowledge is power!! <3

so.....

I am feeling kind of lost.  Floating thru the days without any direction.  Trying to find a purpose.  My main purpose these days is being Emma's mom (which I love).  But as all moms know being a mom comes with a heavy price. When I am not with her I am super anxious for much of the time.  But I do realize I need time to be me.  I try to take some time every once in a while.  Somewhere along the way over the past few years, I have disappeared. I spend way too much time trying to please everyone else and I have pretty well decided that this has to stop.  I need to take care of me and Emma.  I need to make sure we are happy.  So here I go pretty well just rambling ~ this is how the thoughts in my mind are.  I feel one way and try to convince myself I should feel another way.  I let other people dictate how I should be or what I should do or blah blah blah.  Like seriously if you have a beef with me or what I am or am not doing you need to discuss this with me~do NOT relay this message thru someone else. 

I want me back.  I am going to stand up for me and my girl!  Stop being so worried about everyone else's feelings and just worry about me and Emma.  If you don't like it ~ either have the balls to tell me or stay the fuck away!!!!!

Emma's REbirthday!!

One year ago today a miracle happened.  My sweet baby girl had her heart stopped and repaired by a brilliant surgeon - Dr Parnell at Schneider's Children's Hospital. That amazing surgeon also restarted her heart.  So today we celebrate Emma's REbirth.  Today was a normal day that ended with a cake in her honor.  Normal was just how I wanted it to be.  December 15th last year was anything but normal and from now on December 15th will be nothing but normal.  Happy REbirthday my sweet!!! Mommy loves you! xo

40

WOW!!! Friday will be the end of my 30's.  Seems so surreal to think I will be 40.  My gosh 40 always seemed soooooo very old.  All my friends have turned 40 and none of them are old.  I still feel 18 with a few wrinkles and dings here and there but 40 wow.  I know it is just a number and I am always told I do not look my age but it is still a bit tough to wrap my mind around.  4o used to signify middle age - which i guess it still kind of does but people are living much longer these days so...

So let's see my 30's were pretty great.  I bought my house, brought home my Casey boy, ended a really bad(understatement) relationship, met my husband, got married, and became a mommy(which is by far the greatest thing I have ever done).  It is amazing how much can change in 10 years.  In all reality it is not a very long time.  When I look back at my life I try to have no regrets.  All things that have happened and all people that have been in my life, however long or short, have taught me something.  The sum of all my experiences have made me who I am and have brought me to today.  

With all that being said 40 is not so scary.  They say life gets better with age.  So I embrace my 40's and if they are half as good as my 30's it will be a really great decade.  

hmmmm...

so that is kind of my mind these past few days.  kind of just hmmmm..... not so sure.  Been thinking a lot about last year this time.  All the uncertainty and unease with what the near future held.  This day last year Emma was having all her pre-surgical testing - boy what a day that was.  I am so very thankful that she will have no memory of all that her little body has been thru. The only way she will know is by the stories she will be told. So any pain she felt she will not remember and for that I am so grateful.  The whole experience for me has been life changing.  I for some reason have had a hard time letting it go.  I think I am sometimes stuck in the mindset of being worried all the time.   I DO know that she is a perfectly healthy little girl.  I think on some level I may be missing the
"normal".or what I thought normal was. And when I write it or think it or say it I realize how stupid that is.  Normal is what you make it.  I mean really if you knew how every day was going to play out or the outcome of it all, what would be the point??? So the things in life that throw a wrench in your day or totally change how you thought they would go are sometimes the best things in life!!! I have decided I am going to try to live more in the moment and let the rest of it go. I look into sweet Emma's eyes and nothing else really matters.  She was born with a CHD, she had open heart surgery at 3 months old and almost 12 months later she is a picture of health.  It's been quiet a journey and it has only just begun.  This has been more of a rambling than anything else but...the one thing I am certain of is that i love my little girl and would not change a thing about her.  I was chosen to be her mom and I will be forever grateful. 

Cora Mae McCormick

Cora Mae McCormick is a sweet baby girl who lived for 5 days and died in her mother's arms. Today is her 1st birthday. I first read about Cora last December when I was looking for info on congential heart defects.  I was so profoundly touched by her story and have been following her mom and dad on their journey this past year.  Cora's story has helped to spread the word about congenital heart defects.  I was amazed when I found out that 1out of every 100 babies born has a heart defect.  Why had I not heard about this before Emma was born?  It is the number 1 cause of death amongst children ~ greater than all childhood cancer.  Again why had I never heard of a CHD???  What shocked me more than that information was that there is no test done on babies before they leave the hospital to check for a CHD.  How can that be?  How can the one thing that takes more childrens lives not be tested for??? Had Cora had a simple pulse ox test she may be here celebrating her 1st birthday.  Had a simple echo been required before she went home she may be taking her first steps today.  Congenital heart defects claim too many lives and Cora's heart may have been too broken for her to survive but she was not given the chance.  So today, in memory of sweet baby Cora , I ask you to please take a moment and click on the above link and check out Cora's Story.  Tell anyone you know who is pregnant to please request a pulse oximetry test before they take their sweet baby home.  Hug your kiddies a little bit tighter today.   I know I am going to hug my sweet heart warrior all I can! 

Thinking...

So I find myself thinking about how different things were this time last year.  I was a walking bundle of nerves.  Anticipating my baby girls open heart surgery.  Lack of sleep.  Hormonal mess.  Every day I was scared.  Of the unknown I suppose.  The loomingness (not really a word) of her surgery hung over my every thought and action.  It was ALWAYS there.  Every time she cried I felt instant panic~and although Emma was not a "blue tet" I was afraid to let her cry because of the stress it would put on her heart.  This time last year she was on beta blockers because her sat levels had started to drop.  The fear of the unknown was constant and would be there until after she had her surgery.  I know this sounds like a pretty obvious statement but...there are no words to describe how it feels to know in the near distant future,  you will hand your baby girl over to a group of doctors and nurses who will stop her heart. Knowing that your sweet little innocent baby girl will have her heart stopped and she will be hooked up to a bypass machine for a period of time changes you.  Well I know it changed me.  To put all of your faith into another human being is the hardest thing I have done thus far in my life.  Listening to a complete stranger tell you what he is going to do to fix your daughters heart defect and having to say OK go for it is mind numbing and life changing. 

Now with all that being said...I would not change a single moment.  I believe I am truly blessed to be Emma's mom.  She is the light of my life and makes me want to be the best person I can be.  The CHD community is one I am so very proud to be a part of.  I have met truly amazing people since this journey has begun.  And although I would not wish this journey on any one ~ I am happy I have been chosen to take it.  There are great things in store for me and Emma~I just don't know what they are yet